Chapter 73 - Best Condition (1)

"I wanna watch the human too, gnome!"

"Aah~ stop pushing, gnome!"

"Pfft~ what a dumb gnome, gnome! You don't even have to go forward, just lift your head and you can see, gnome."

"Ooh! It's true, gnome! Human are huge, gnome!"

I looked down at the gnomes huddling together around my feet.

White beards like lamb's wool, squishy cheeks, an overall adorable appearance.

They didn't look like the sturdy earth elementals I'd imagined, but....

I glanced at the glittering gold coins in the gnomes' hands.

".........."

Well, it didn't really matter. I was only human, after all.

I liked cute things, same as anyone.

I was into these SD-character types too.

You know, like those Dorolong things you see floating around the internet sometimes. [TL: Dorolong is a popular cute character mascot in Korea]

Much better for mental health than anything cruel and grotesque.

But that aside.

I looked at the gnome offering me a gold coin with its harmless, squishy face.

"Hehe~ let's play together, gnome!"

...I definitely wanted to take the gold coin.

But since I couldn't know exactly what kind of "play" the gnome was talking about, I couldn't accept the coin without any information.

What if their idea of play turned out to be some death game where one of us had to die?

Or it could be some elemental game that a human body couldn't withstand.

I spoke to the gnome.

"...Playing sounds fine. But what kind of playing?"

At my words, the gnome's face went blank for a moment in thought, then it smiled brightly and said,

"Uuu... never thought about that, gnome!"

Then it lifted the gold coin in its hand, bit into it, and ate it.

"Eating snacks together, gnome? Yummy, gnome!"

Crunch! Crunch!

...I understood. Since they were earth elementals, they ate stones and metals.

I got the gist of it. For gnomes, offering gold was the act of sharing food.

Thinking that humans liked shiny rocks, they'd simply pulled out gold instead of some other metal.

Not that humans liked gold for eating purposes, though.

Then, suddenly, another gnome cut in.

"Wait! If want to eat shiny rocks, gotta give snacks too, gnome! We share, gnome!"

At that, the other gnomes chimed in.

"Right! Right! Give snacks, gnome!"

"Curious about human snacks, gnome!"

I looked down at the gnomes gathering with sparkling eyes.

'Snacks, huh....'

If anything, this might be their version of a trade protocol.

Even if it wasn't, it wasn't a difficult request, so it didn't matter.

"Let me see."

I searched the camping box for something suitable to give as snacks.

Rummage, rummage~.

At that moment, the gnomes also swarmed around the ice box, pressing their cheeks together as they peered inside.

"Aah~ I watching and fell into box, gnome! Pull me out, gnome!"

Flail, flail~.

"So many fascinating things, gnome!"

"What's this, gnome?"

One gnome lifted up a packet of hardtack.

"That's...."

Well, there was a lot inside, so it might be good for sharing?

"It's baked bread. If you tear open the wrapper, there's food inside. Not sure if you'll find it tasty, though."

The gnomes opened the hardtack packet with fascination.

Each one grabbed a piece and popped it into their mouths.

"It's hard, gnome. What kind of rock is this, gnome?"

"Keck! Keck! Powder spreading in my throat, gnome! Throat's blocked, gnome!"

I gave the gnomes the milk I'd brought as Grizzly's snack.

And since we were having an unexpected snack time anyway, I gave Grizzly its snack too.

"Gyaaa~."

Earth elementals eating hardtack, and an Invisible Vampire eating raw meat soaked in milk.

...It was a bizarre sight, if nothing else.

"Tastes similar to the rocks we usually eat, gnome. Yummy, gnome. ...Hm?"

Then, in the middle of eating, a gnome discovered a star candy inside the hardtack bag.

"Hieee...!"

The gnomes' eyes went wide at the sight of the star candy.

"Colorful pretty rock, gnome!"

"That's a snack too. Want to try it?"

"Gnome!?"

I distributed the star candies among the gnomes.

Munch, munch~ Crunch!

The gnomes examined the star candies before popping them into their mouths.

"...?!"

The gnomes' eyes went wide and their bodies trembled!

"H-Hieeee...! Y-Yummy, gnome!"

"Sweeter than wild strawberries, gnome!"

"A gnome-friendly flavor, gnome!"

The gnomes rummaged through their beards and pockets, pulling out gold coins with sparkling eyes.

"Human! Human! Give more, gnome!"

"What kind of rock even is this, gnome!?"

I watched the excited gnomes and lightly stroked my chin.

Seeing those tiny little guys so happy made me want to mess with them.

"Ah, that's called star candy."

So I deepened my voice and said,

"It's pretty common where I'm from."

The gnomes' eyes went round with shock!

"Whaat! S-Star candy!?"

"S-Something like this is common... humans are amazing, gnome...."

"Scary, gnome!"

The gnomes shrieked, plopped down, and slapped their foreheads with their stubby arms.

My eyes narrowed. The corners of my mouth turned up slightly.

"Hmm...."

I'd always thought those isekai hero stories were stupid.

But actually doing it myself, it was pretty fun.

Showing advanced goods to other races who didn't know about Earth's developed civilization and leading them along....

I caught myself mid-thought as something felt off.

...Wait, hold on, this is literally the imperialist colonial mindset!

Fuck, the isekai hero genre was a dangerously insidious one.

Anyway, since they liked it, there was a certain satisfaction in giving out snacks.

I tore open the other hardtack packets.

And distributed the star candies inside to the gnomes.

"Waaaaaah~!"

The gnomes happily ate the star candies.

"Uuu... the human gave us so many yummy things."

The gnome who had first offered me the gold coin said bashfully,

"I don't have any more shiny rocks to give, gnome... sorry, gnome...."

As I'd expected, they didn't have an unlimited supply of gold or the ability to give it endlessly.

...Then again, that would've been even more of a problem.

I looked at the bundles of gold coins filling the leather pouch.

This much alone was more than satisfying.

I had no desire to squeeze them for more gold.

That would be like killing the goose that laid the golden eggs.

Besides, the isekai hero game, not the imperialist game, had been fun too.

"Don't worry about that. I had fun playing with you guys too."

I patted the gnome on the head.

"I'll give you snacks regardless of gold. Let's play together again."

The gnome looked up at me with sparkling eyes.

"Heeee~ then, gnome! I'm following the human, gnome!"

"Huh?"

I blinked involuntarily at the gnomes that had already gathered below me.

‧

‧

‧

The next day, at Yo-han's secret Workshop.

I stopped by the Workshop to check on the condition of the Hand of Glory I'd been curing in salt.

...Considering the preparation time, it should be renamed from Hand of Glory to Hand of Pickled Vegetables, I thought.

Anyway, I checked the condition and found nothing wrong.

According to the grimoire, it needed roughly two weeks. If things went well, I might be able to take it out and use it before then.

After checking, I sat down on the sofa to rest.

Toddle, toddle~.

A gnome with a plate balanced on its head came over smiling, carrying coffee.

"Pasta! I brought coffee, gnome!"

"It's not pasta, it's master."

"Massta! I brought coffee, gnome!"

"...Well, close enough."

I took the coffee the gnome handed me and sipped it.

The gnome's declaration about following me hadn't been empty words.

Gnomes wandered all over the Workshop.

"Cleaning gnome!"

There were gnomes cleaning the Workshop with feather dusters and mops.

And there were gnomes groping around for the invisible Grizzly, making a fuss.

"Waaah~ Grizzly! Grizzly! Help me, gnome!"

"Gyaa?"

"That greedy gnome over there! Ahem! 'I am one who eats three meals at once!' he said, and then he stole my snack, gnome!"

Grizzly tilted its head.

"Gyaaa...?"

It was like a scene straight out of a YouTube Short, a pack of small cats yelling in front of a large dog.

"Hmm...."

I patted the head of the gnome that had brought me coffee.

The gnome purred.

"Gnooome~."

Having these tiny little minions around.

It felt like being the boss of some third-rate evil organization.

I tilted the coffee cup again and took another sip.

Well, it was a bit different from what I'd imagined, but....

The gnomes chattered noisily around the Workshop.

"Gnome~!"

The contract with the earth elemental gnomes was a success.

***

A harbor city on the outskirts of China, a fog-covered dawn wharf.

In a desolate spot.

Two muscular men on their way home after drinking late into the night spotted something.

[Eight Extremes Fist, Greatest Under Heaven]

It was an old man, standing beside a planted flag inscribed with words that read like the cheap slogan of some low-quality martial arts dojo.

".........."

He was smoking a cigarette, his white hair cropped short and swept back.

Malicious grins spread across the two men's faces.

With a tipsy buzz, they approached, looking to pick a fight with some easy target, same as always.

Yes, they approached drunk.

And so they failed to notice that the old man's posture was straight, his build unexpectedly solid.

"Well, look at the martial arts master we have here."

"Did you make that flag yourself? -Ptooey."

The old man removed the cigarette from his mouth and spoke to the man who had spat on the flag.

"I'm a nice guy. I'll give you a chance to wipe that off."

At those words, both men burst out laughing simultaneously, mocking the old man.

They spat again.

"Hahaha, and if we don't, what? That martial art of yours? Tai chi?"

"Gonna punish us with some mystical art that overcomes hardness with softness?"

Across the wharf, the old man's voice rang out, perfectly even in tone.

"No."

The old man casually flicked his hand and tossed his cigarette into the eyes of the man who had spat.

Fwip-.

"Aagh-!?"

In that brief instant when the man flinched and blinked,

WHAM-!

The old man's fist drove into the man's philtrum, crushing his face.

The impact sent the man's body flying backward, spinning a full hundred-eighty degrees before his head slammed into the wharf floor.

His skull cracked, blood poured out, and he died.

The old man spoke with casual composure.

"Strike first, win first. One hit, one kill."

Hit first and kill.

There was no overcoming hardness with softness here.

There was only violence that beat people to death.

The other man let out a panicked sound.

"Huh? Wh-What?"

He'd seen it with his own eyes, but it had happened so fast he couldn't process the situation.

Acting purely on instinct, realizing his life was in danger, he drew a knife from inside his jacket.

"Y-You...!"

But the old man was faster even then.

Having already drawn a military knife, the old man closed the distance and in one fluid motion stabbed, withdrew, and stabbed the man's body.

Thud-thud-thud-!

Three stabs to the torso in the blink of an eye, and to finish, he slashed the man's throat and killed him.

Two corpses lay on the wharf floor, staining it red with blood.

"When an opponent you assumed would fight fair with his fists pulls out a blade instead."

The old man flicked the blood off his knife and said,

"That's when the true terror of authentic Chinese martial arts begins."

Then he turned his body and addressed the client who had been waiting.

"Enjoyed the show?"

A voice echoed from within the fog.

"You killed two drunk punks and you're bragging about it?"

"A win in a fight is still a win."

The old man, Lee Mun-ryong, replied nonchalantly.

"Gathering your focus and fighting in peak condition, that's something you can only do inside a ring."

He said with a calm smile,

"People take dumps, they get sick, they drink. There's no such thing as best condition in a real fight."

".........."

A young, black-haired foreign man emerged from the fog.

The heir of Europe's colossal school devoted to the Four Classical Elements.

It was Alphons, successor of the Paracelsus School.

"So you're the Chinese man who calls himself Greatest Under Heaven."

"Self-proclaimed Greatest Under Heaven, that's right. You need at least that much ambition. And also,"

Lee Mun-ryong immediately raised his index finger to correct him.

"I'm not Chinese, I'm Taiwanese. Don't get it wrong."

Having no interest in the distinctions among Asians, Alphons said nothing and ignored the remark.

Lee Mun-ryong brought up business.

"So, what's the job?"

"We're going to kill a wizard with no record in Korea."

Alphons furrowed his brows as if displeased.

"...His skill is real, though. I need a capable bodyguard."

"-Ha!"

Lee Mun-ryong let out a light laugh. Setting the details of the job aside,

A warrior and a wizard, a classic party composition.