Chapter 117 — Volume 4, 69 [Liar]

Feeling the touch of the hard ground, cold as always, Subaru’s consciousness was pulled back to reality.

Lying flat on his stomach, he opened his eyes and pushed himself up while spitting out the dirt and gravel in his mouth. He looked about his surroundings, and found himself in a murky darkness.

――It was the Trial room inside the Tomb.

From the same spot as it ended, Subaru’s world began anew.

Although a part of him was relieved to have managed to come back, the suffocating prospect of repeating the same hell in this world clenched onto his heart and would not let go.

Shaking his head, Subaru rejected those ominous portents of another dead-end.

Then, standing up and brushing the dirt off his clothes as he scanned around the area―― he found Emilia, collapsed in a corner of the room.

[Subaru: ……]

But, just before he could call out and run over to her side, Subaru hesitated.

What scraped across his mind was the scene that immediately preceded his return―― of Emilia with him dying in her lap, oblivious to his departure as she shared with him a kiss.

Without meaning to, Subaru touched a finger to his lips and furrowed his brows at the dry sensation.

In those last moments, Subaru’s face must have been a mess from all the blood he had coughed up. He couldn’t possibly understand what Emilia was thinking when she kissed him, but it was certainly not a memory which he would remember fondly.

Just as it had been when he was on the verge of death, though he could remember it happening, no emotion or tactile sensation carried over to the present world.

It was Subaru’s first kiss, as well as the first kiss he shared with Emilia. But, having been obstructed by the unreasonable barrier of Death, it had left him no notable impression.

[Subaru: ――――]

Yet, Subaru’s hesitation was not the result of that regret.

His reflection on that kiss was not for sentimentality’s sake, but for the enormity of the dangers surrounding Emilia. ――The way she had clung to Subaru, utterly detached from reality.

With Puck refusing to show himself, she was crushed by the pressure from the villagers and the Sanctuary’s residents. And when even her last support, Subaru, left her, Emilia’s heart was finally broken.

If the result was her falling into that state, then what had happened to Emilia in all those loops up to now?

[Subaru: …………]

Subaru had left the Sanctuary for the Mansion four times now. Of all those times, the last was the only one where he had managed to come back to her―― then what became of Emilia in those other three loops?

In each of those loops, Rabbit would have attacked the Sanctuary.

Even if Emilia had managed to keep her sanity intact, it wouldn’t be hard to imagine the outcome considering the Mabeast’s ferocity. But, just what must have been going through her mind back then?

[Subaru: As if there’s any point in asking…… if it turns out like that every time I leave, I’ll have no choice but to stay around……]

Nothing about their situation inspired optimism.

He could leave everything to the future and distract himself from what was happening around him, but that would be pointless.

In order to reach the perfect future, Subaru must constantly assume the worst possible continuation.

Assume that the world would always prepare for him the cruellest, most unreasonable fate.

In that case, the problems surrounding Emilia, Beatrice, Elsa, and Roswaal would naturally always be arranged in the most difficult way possible.

[Subaru: What I’ll have to do is……]

Save Emilia from being broken, save the people of the Sanctuary from the Great Rabbit, and save his friends at the Mansion from Elsa’s violence. ――No doubt, it would be a perilous path.

――Can it really be done?

Inside, the weak part of himself was asking, while preparing escape routes, excuses, and safeguards.

――It’s not a matter of can or cannot, all there is is to do it.

Subaru bared his teeth at that weakness inside himself, and declared his resolve not to betray his oath.

All he had to do was to retry as many times as necessary to clear away the obstacles, confirm the victory conditions, sort out the chronology, and determine the best use of his time.

Even if Subaru’s heart would be worn down by every failure, even if it meant having to witness things he’d never want to witness, as long as it brought him closer to grasping that perfect future, then it’d suit him just fine.

That was why――

[Subaru: ――Emilia. Are you alright?]

Reaching out, he shook the shoulder of the collapsed, lovely girl.

Emilia’s eyelids twitched at Subaru’s touch, as her consciousness was brought out of the world of the Trials and back to reality.

Her eyes opened, reflecting Subaru inside their amethyst gleam. Within seconds, tears welled up, rejecting her past as she clung tightly onto Subaru.

Accepting Emilia’s reach for his support, Subaru returned her embrace as he silently reaffirmed the promise he had made.

――He would protect Emilia to the very end, as well as save everyone there is to save.

Because there was no one except Natsuki Subaru who could do this.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

He began organizing the chaotic information from the end of the previous loop.

Most important among them, was that concerning Roswaal L. Mathers.

The same Roswaal who, right in front of his eyes, had lost his life, becoming the Great Rabbit’s feed.

Roswaal knew about Subaru’s Return by Death.

Even if he didn’t know that “Death” was the trigger, he was aware of Subaru’s ability to “Rewind”.

Though Subaru wasn’t sure if Roswaal had learned of this after his arrival at the Sanctuary, or if he had known long before that, most likely, it was written in Roswaal’s Gospel.

Subaru hadn’t been able to recover Roswaal’s Gospel in the previous loop.

If the Gospel had been tucked in Roswaal’s robes, then it would have been swallowed by the rabbits alongside his flesh. But even if Roswaal had left it in the residence, Subaru was in no state of mind to run inside to check.

And so, Subaru never got to see what was recorded inside.

――Or just what Roswaal’s ultimate objective might be.

If Roswaal was only acting according to the Gospel’s text, then what made him abandon his life in the end? ――Perhaps the answer lay in the Gospel itself.

Most likely, Roswaal would obey the Gospel even if it cost him his life.

Subaru didn’t know what format the entries in Roswaal’s Gospel would be written in, but they should be instructions, signposts towards its owner’s desired future, just like in Petelgeuse’s Gospel.

When something deviated from the Witch Cultist’s Gospel, Petelgeuse would use his own judgement to improvise within a reasonable range until the outcome matched the records.

But it was very different for Roswaal.

Acting with the knowledge that it was possible to “Rewind” the world, when the future differed from what was written, he would give up his own life just so he wouldn’t have to endure the time that would pass in error.

When reality differed from the text, Petelgeuse chose to improvise.

Whereas, refusing to permit the slightest deviance, Roswaal insisted that reality must follow the writ.

Though they were both dangerous adversaries in possession of Gospels, and even if the contents of their Gospels were largely the same, their approaches were almost complete opposites.

Considering the ways they relied on their Gospels, Subaru couldn’t help but find Roswaal’s to be the more misguided of the two.

――The problem lay in the contents of Roswaal’s Gospel.

If the outcomes of the attacks on the Sanctuary and the Mansion were all recorded in its pages, then the tragedy would only repeat over and over again until Roswaal’s wishes are fulfilled.

Even the snowfall in the Sanctuary could be attributed to Roswaal’s desire to match the Gospel’s prophecies. Which means, the snow was probably a part of every loop.

The only reason Subaru hadn’t encountered it until now was because it always started after he had left for the Mansion, and he never returned in time to see it.

Roswaal had induced the snowfall on the Sanctuary in order to isolate Emilia.

But just what was the point of doing that?

Even without such roundabout methods, the unbearable pressure from all sides should have been enough to wear her down. With her sense of duty, and being acutely aware of the expectations of those around her, Emilia could only bite down on her unease and powerlessness and continue challenging the Trials.

The moment Subaru was no longer at her side, she would lose her way and descend into a state of self-abandon.

Unless, that was Roswaal’s goal to begin with?

But if Emilia stopped acting for “Everyone else’s sake”, the Sanctuary would never be liberated. And without liberating the Sanctuary, there would be no escape when the Great Rabbit attacked.

There were too many places where Roswaal’s actions and attitude towards Emilia were at odds.

More than anything, there were Roswaal’s final words, moments before he was devoured by the Great Rabbit.

――Cast away everything except the one most important to you.

That was what Roswaal had whispered.

If you do that, you too, can become like me.

Nevermind whether Subaru wanted to become like Roswaal, the underlying implication of those words was that Roswaal had abandoned everything except what was most important to him, and that was how he wound up here.

In fact, it was a resolve for which he could relinquish his life―― there was no doubt in that regard.

If everything followed the Gospel’s writ: Emilia was driven into isolation, and events progressed exactly as Roswaal intended, would he really obtain that thing for which he was willing to abandon all else?

Or, perhaps a better question would be: why did Roswaal tell Subaru all this?

In any case――

[Subaru: If you’re telling me to let go… there’s no way I could do that]

Emilia was important.

But, it goes without saying, that there were people who Subaru wanted to protect and to keep at his side, far too many to count.

In Subaru’s narrow world, even the loss of a single fragment would forever render that world colorless.

Greedy and selfish as he was, there was no way he could permit it.

And so, he could never follow Roswaal’s advice.

[Subaru: Roswaal…… I―― will never become like you]

Subaru comforted the crying Emilia until she fell asleep, and brought her out of the Tomb.

As usual, while everyone was shocked to see Emilia in her state and to learn that she had failed the Trial, Subaru carried her to Lewes’ house to put her to bed.

Along the way, Garfiel’s feigned cheerfulness out of consideration for the atmosphere was almost painful to watch, and Subaru could notice Lewes casting him a meaningful gaze, though he didn’t mention anything.

He overlooked the former on purpose because there was still something he had to confirm.

As for the latter, it was because Subaru already somewhat understood the meaning behind her gaze.

[Garfiel: Oy, borrow y’for a minute]

After entrusting the sleeping Emilia to Ram, Garfiel called out to Subaru while everyone was leaving for the night. Having been expecting this, Subaru answered with a [Yeah] as he followed behind the slouching figure, heading into the forest surrounding the Sanctuary.

Subaru wasn’t sure if Garfiel was bringing him to the same spot as last time, but he could tell that Garfiel’s expression was exactly the same as back then.

With eyes blazing, Garfiel locked his glare onto Subaru.

In stark contrast to his attitude as they left the Tomb, his hostility was now plain as day.

Naturally, the first question to come out his mouth was――

[Garfiel: What d……]

[Subaru: “What did y’bastard see in the Tomb”……?]

A blue vein was about to bulge from Garfiel forehead at Subaru’s interruption when his eyes widened as he heard the exact words he was about to say.

As if taken completely off guard, Garfiel’s cutting impression fell away to an almost childish air. It was almost strange.

Immediately shaking his head at the squinting Subaru, Garfiel clicked his fangs as if to compose himself.

[Garfiel: That’s creepy as fuck, but if y’already know, that’d speed things up. Don’t try hidin’ anythin’, honest now. Y’don’t want me t’hurt ya, do ya]

[Subaru: Right. But I’m a busy guy, there’re loads of things I want to check as well. ――If I answer your questions… in exchange, will you answer some of mine?]

[Garfiel: Y’think yer in any position t’negotiate? I’m in a position t’eat y’whole, and yer in th’position t’keep tossin’ meat t’stave off gettin’ eaten. “Meegee gives up th’big bro before the lil’ bro”, as they say]

[Subaru: Of all the references you made… that might be the darkest one, you know]

Replying with a shrug, Subaru dropped his gaze and fell into silence.

Garfiel looked like he was growing impatient, but he didn’t pressure Subaru to hurry. While Subaru took a deep breath, and decided how best to answer.

[Subaru: Inside, I took the Trial. I saw my past]

[Garfiel: ――! So y’did have th’qualifications……tch. Then, yer result’s……]

[Subaru: Failed. It’s not so easy, accepting or denying your past. ……It’s the same with Emilia, I’m afraid]

Giving him half a truth and half a lie, Subaru tried to gauge Garfiel’s response.

Garfiel’s face paled when he heard that Subaru had taken the Trial, but once learned that Subaru didn’t pass, his shoulders slumped in relief.

[Subaru: Well you sure look pretty damn pleased about it]

[Garfiel: What d’y……?]

[Subaru: I was just thinking, you certainly look pretty happy to hear that Emilia failed, and the Sanctuary won’t be liberated]

Listening to Subaru’s words, Garfiel furrowed his brows and snorted as if starting to catch on. Slightly lowering his stance, he glared up at Subaru.

[Garfiel: Y’bastard, what’n yer past……’n yer Trial, what th’hell did y’hear?]

[Subaru: About the creation of the Sanctuary, and some background stuff as well. Also, about you and Lewes-san, I guess]

[Garfiel: ――! Y’know…… about, my……]

“Past?”, Garfiel was about to say, when Subaru cut him off with a shake of his head.

[Subaru: Not sure what you saw in your past, but I don’t know nearly that much. Although, I do have an idea why you’re keeping quiet about having taken the Trial]

[Garfiel: ……Y’already know that much…]

[Subaru: Part of it’s speculation, too. You can reply with an outraged “You’re just imagining it!”, if you want]

In this world, Subaru and Garfiel have only known each other for a single day.

Most of the information he had gathered from his interactions with Garfiel were things he wasn’t supposed to have heard yet. The same goes for information about the original Lewes Meyer, sleeping in the Experimental Grounds.

Thus, Subaru was trying bypass this by conveniently making use of the Trials and Echidona’s existence.

For now, he figured that there was nothing else he could gain from this interaction with Garfiel.

So he really just wanted this conversation to be over.

But――

[Subaru: ――Say, why won’t you retake the Trials?]

[Garfiel: ――――]

In front of the silent Garfiel, Subaru asked him this question.

Hearing this, Garfiel lowered his head so as not to let Subaru see his expression.

His arms dangled at his sides, as his wary posture slackened and lost its strength.

From that, Subaru judged that no sudden attack was coming.

[Subaru: You know, I can’t help but feel that your actions lack consistency. First you push Emilia to liberate the Sanctuary, and then you look all relieved when she fails. But then again, if you’re really trying to block the Sanctuary from being liberated, you’re going about it way too half-heartedly]

If he completely disregarded the consequences, Garfiel could just transform into a beast and kill Subaru and Emilia.

Naturally, his relationship with the refugees and Roswaal’s faction would plummet, but if Garfiel’s goal was truly to hinder the Sanctuary’s liberation, then this method would be both quick and reliable.

And yet, Garfiel didn’t take any actions up until the very last moment――until Subaru crossed the line by having the refugees escape the Sanctuary.

――There was still some threshold inside Garfiel’s mind that Subaru didn’t know of.

[Subaru: I was hoping I could get your help]

[Garfiel: ――Do, n’t say such stupid crap]

Hearing Subaru say this, Garfiel paused a moment before turning him down.

Looking up and shaking his head, Garfiel’s usual vigor was completely gone from his face.

[Garfiel: Like y’said, our interests ain’t aligned. I won’t actively get in yer way, but I ain’t gonna help ya, either. Neutral. Yeah, neutral’s good]

[Subaru: You do realize that position doesn’t suit you at all?]

[Garfiel: It ain’t a matter of suitin’ or not. I’m just doin’ it ‘cus it’s what I have t’do]

Annoyed at saying something he wouldn’t usually say, Garfiel kicked at the ground, sweeping up a cloud of dust as he turned his back to Subaru.

[Garfiel: If that Half-Witch beats th’Trials, that’s fine by me. Once yer here, the only way yer gettin out is by passin’ the Trials. I’m aware of that. ――But whether I’m leavin’ the Sanctuary once it’s freed ‘s another matter]

[Subaru: …………]

[Garfiel: If yer gonna leave, go ahead’n get out. But don’t try anythin’ in here. Don’t meddle in our shit any more’n y’already have. Y’stay by that, and I ain’t gonna do anythin’]

[Subaru: Even if I told you that we need your help outside?]

[Garfiel: ……Th’things that I want, none of y’lot can give me. This’s as far as this conversation goes. Don’t try pullin’ any unnecessary stunts now]

Though he refused to listen to Subaru, Garfiel left him with those still-rational words.

Garfiel had shown his strong rejection in all their conversations up to now, but only this time, he didn’t lose his composure.

Just what was different, and what could it mean?

[Subaru: There’s a mountain of things I have to think about…… but]

Inserting his fingers into his black hair, Subaru set aside his over-complicated considerations for now.

As much as he wanted to sort them, organize them, and arrange them to arrive at some kind of answer,

[Subaru: There’s no way I could sort out all these things alone]

Should he get lost inside his labyrinth of thoughts, Natsuki Subaru would only be caught in another downward spiral. To make sure that doesn’t happen, what he needed to do now was,

[Subaru: Guess it’s time to rely on you again……]

Subaru’s thoughts turned to the only person in the world to whom he could lay bare his worries.

As if spurred on by some unbearable emotion, Subaru’s steps hastened.

After parting with Garfiel, Subaru’s walk turned into a sprint.

With ragged breaths, sweating brows, and trembling eyes, Subaru ran.

His sole destination, lit by the moonlight, was the interior of the Tomb.

This was after their previous conversation.

Having stated that he would not interfere with Subaru’s actions, Garfiel did not stop him.

There was no one left to rebuke him for venturing into the Tomb once more.

Arriving at the entryway, Subaru stopped to roughly wipe off the sweat with his sleeves.

Drawing deep breaths to calm his winded lungs, Subaru pressed forward into the darkness of the Tomb.

Since there was something he must do―― in the abyssal Citadel of Dreams that was Echidona’s realm.

[Subaru: If you truly wish inside your heart…… “I want to know”]

Then you will be invited. That was what the white-haired Witch had told him.

Clinging to that hope and putting his faith in those words, Subaru came here.

There was a mountain of things he wanted to ask, to talk about, to agonize over, and to search for the answer together with her.

Things he could only reveal to the Witch of Greed, so that she might show him the way.

What he needed to do, and what he wanted to do were now one and the same.

All that was left was some way to make it reality, some way other than deliberating alone.

[Subaru: ――――]

It was not that he didn’t feel ashamed about going to Echidona’s Citadel, dumping all his doubts and worries on her, and imposing on her good will.

And it was not that he wasn’t afraid that revealing everything to Echidona would violate the forbidden and once again drown the Sanctuary in Envy’s shadows.

Yet, even so, Subaru had hope.

Hope that the Witch’s guidance might be the key to breaking through fate’s dead-end.

[Subaru: Right now…… I should meet all the requirements]

He was so lost as to what to do.

And so determined to use any means necessary.

If the present Subaru wasn’t a willing and eager Apostle of Greed, then what was he?

Innumerable times would he freely surrender his life. And he would give up his pride too, if that was all it took to settle this.

For that was all this pathetic, useless, and ignorant Natsuki Subaru could manage.

[Subaru: I’m counting on you, Echidona……!]

Subaru steadied his breaths, and silently gathered the courage to step into the Tomb.

Making his way to the rectangular space that had already accepted him as a challenger once tonight, he scanned over the room, and proceeded towards its centre.

[Subaru: Gonna have to wing it with where and what rituals’re required, but……]

The second time Subaru was invited into the dream, aside from the desperate desire for an answer, he should have been in the same position as he was immediately after Returning by Death. There didn’t seem to be any special offering required.

In any case, Subaru kneeled down on the spot, joined his hands, and closed his eyes.

He envisioned the White Witch in his mind, calling out to her with the enumerations of his emotions, as if telling of his impossible future and his despairing desire to reach her.

[Subaru: ――――]

Just like this, time passed as Subaru waited in silence.

He could feel the Tomb’s cold air caressing his skin as cold sweat formed on his brows.

He wanted it. Desperately.

He yearned for it. Earnestly.

If he wanted it this badly, yearned for it this badly, and still couldn’t reach her――

――Then perhaps Greed is far too immense an avarice for mere humans.

[Subaru: ――u?]

Just before this faintheartedness could sink in, Subaru felt the illusion of a white light encroaching on the darkness behind his eyelids. ――Or perhaps, it was no illusion.

[Subaru: ――――]

White light invaded his vision, slowly, and slowly, eroding away the pitch-dark world.

Before he knew it, his kneeling body had fallen to its side, and he could feel his consciousness detach from reality as it was pulled into another world.

――His summon to the Citadel of Dreams had begun.

In the Citadel where Echidona was waiting, this time, he was determined to hold the conversation that would let him truly grasp the future.

That thought alone occupied his fading consciousness, as――

{――Witness, a present that was not to be}

The moment his awareness fell away, he thought he heard that voice.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

A sensation like a drunken stupor swayed Subaru’s nerves.

He didn’t know what happened.

His awakening came so suddenly that it was like when a channel was switched on a television.

As if having jumped to a channel of a completely different genre, it felt like his entire consciousness was replaced.

It was almost reminiscent of the sensation immediately following Return by Death.

The discrepancy between the wretchedness of the world where he died, and the one after Returning by Death always carved a sense of incongruity into his mind, body, and soul.

{――――}

When he tried to speak, Subaru realized that he couldn’t make a sound.

He tried bringing a hand to his throat, but only then, he belatedly noticed that he could feel neither his hand nor his throat.

{――――?}

Whether it was his limbs, his eyes, or his mouth, none of his body existed.

There was only his consciousness, floating in space, watching the world from above as nothing more than a point of view.

It was unnatural, like the disembodied sensation of being inside a dream.

But, he had a feeling that this wasn’t the first time he felt this way. Could he be dreaming, after all?

With those thoughts in the back of his mind, Natsuki Subaru tried to tear his consciousness away from the scene before his eyes.

But it was impossible.

For the disembodied Subaru, nevermind turning his head away, even closing his eyes was forbidden.

All he could do was watch―― as this scene before his eyes was forcibly burned into his mind.

[???: ――iar]

The voice was quiet, and hoarse.

And so weak that he could barely make out what it was saying.

But,

{――――}

He intuitively understood it.

With nothing but his consciousness, Subaru intuitively understood that “This is bad”.

It was a voice that he mustn’t hear.

A voice he mustn’t recognize.

Proclaiming something he mustn’t know.

But, regardless of what his consciousness told him, the scene searing into his mind did not change. It would not disappear. But only went on pushing, carving the “Outcome” into Subaru.

[???: Liar…… liar, liar liar liar liar liar liar……hk]

Within that repeating whisper, the previously inaudible word began to take shape, as if forgetting to stop, and interspersed with sobs.

A heartrending sight. His ear were filled with despairing grief. To take this into his eyes and to receive this into his ears must have been the greatest suffering in this world.

{――――}

Why was he here?

Why was he seeing this?

His failure. His mistake. His error in judgment. He wasn’t supposed to see it. He wasn’t supposed to know. He was never supposed to know.

――If I didn’t tell myself, “It won’t be like that”, I……

[Emilia: Liar… liar! Subaru…… you liar! You liar――!!]

Collapsed on the floor, with a flood of tears pouring from her amethyst eyes, Emilia cried out.

Like an accusation of a betrayal, rejecting the nightmare before her eyes, disheveling her hair like a small child, Emilia screamed as if in a frenzy.

――While, at the sleeping Rem’s bedside, Subaru’s corpse with a small knife pierced into his throat lay in front of the wailing Emilia.

-=Chapter 69 End=-