Chapter 135 — Volume 4, 85 [With Words, With Feelings, With Fists]

[Subaru: ――Huh?]

For a moment, unable to understand what he had just been told, Subaru only let out an astonished groan.

His eyes widened and his mouth gaped open, while Emilia watched him as she formed her thoughts into words.

[Emilia: I’m happy that you feel this way about me, say these things to me, and do all these things for me. It makes me feel so safe, and I rely on you so, so much. ……But I can’t let you search for escape routes for me]

[Subaru: N-no it’s…… it’s not such a one-sided issue!]

[Emilia: I’m the one who decided to take this challenge. There is somewhere I need to go, a door I need to pass through to get there, and right now, I need to do my best to pass through it. I don’t want to make any excuses]

Subaru tightened his lips as he was struck by Emilia’s determined eyes.

Her resolute visage was overflowing with strong-willed radiance. It was not the face of a weak little girl who would stop still in her tracks without Subaru there to pull her along.

But, why? With his heart buried in questions, Subaru shook his head.

[Subaru: Emilia, I think your resolve is amazing. But the Trial is not suited for you. To go in there with no plan when the chances of winning are so…… slim, I don’t think it’s noble or anything]

[Emilia: ……The chances do feel slim, I guess]

[Subaru: …………]

Emilia wryly smiled at Subaru’s matter-of-fact statement. The fact that her eyebrows drooped a little was only because she recognized that those were Subaru’s honest thoughts.

And Subaru himself felt like a horribly deficient human being for not immediately finding the right words to comfort her.

[Subaru: Can we at least wait until I find some clues? If I can just have some time, I…… can make the whole thing easier for you. Then you won’t have to worry about……]

[Emilia: No, you can’t, Subaru. Somehow, I just know. ――That there are no shortcuts or back alleys to get through the Tomb’s Trials]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: It’s strange. But I just know it. Even with time, unless I steadily prepare myself for the challenge, the result will always be the same. I know that]

[Subaru: Aa……]

He had no words to refute her.

Though he didn’t know the exact details behind the Trials, he did agree with Emilia about these feelings.

Repeatedly challenging the Trial will not soften or intensify its contents nor its nature. The same conditions and the same contents will be there to welcome its challenger. Keeping its own properties constant, only changes in the challenger’s heart would result in different outcomes―― as would be just to Echidona’s tastes.

Seeing right through his attempts to console her, Emilia’s understanding of the Trials was more than Subaru had imagined.

Yet even so, just as Subaru frantically tried to connect his words,

[Emilia: Say, Subaru. ――Why do you want to help me?]

[Subaru: ――――]

It was a question that carried tremendous significance the last time it was asked.

How desperately had Subaru struggled in order to answer her? How much hardship had he overcome just to tell her?

And that was why, being asked the same question now, Subaru could answer without the slightest hesitation.

[Subaru: I want to help you… because I love you. ――Because I love everything about you]

[Emilia: ――Mn. Yes, I know. Subaru, you love me]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: And it makes me reeaally happy that you do. It makes me feel reeaally safe. And makes me want to reeaally depend on you. And just having you watch me like this, I feel like I can reeaally try my hardest]

Holding her hands to her chest, her cheeks slightly blushing, Emilia closed her eyes.

As if instilled with all of her emotions at once, [And so], she continued,

[Emilia: Don’t get stuck thinking that you have to do something. I can do my best just by having you watch me. If you want to do something, if you’ll indulge my selfishness, then I want you to stay by my side. And be there behind me to support me]

[Subaru: Emilia……]

[Emilia: With your hand on my back when I’m faltering, I know I can stand back up again. And when I’m wavering, I want you at my side, Subaru]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Emilia: Thank you… for walking ahead of me, moving away the stones, smoothing out the path, cutting away the branches, and then guiding me by the hand. But, I think, if you always do that for me, I’ll just be a burden to you. While I’ll be all fudged up inside]

[Subaru: Who says, “fudged”…… anym…]

He tried to say his usual line, but the words wouldn’t come.

Subaru could no longer restrain the emotions swelling inside his chest. Just what is that indescribable, incomprehensible sensation? So as not to lose himself in that undeniable emotion, Subaru gritted his teeth as he continued facing Emilia.

[Emilia: I’ve only ever taken, and taken, and taken from you…… so, this time, I want to do something different. It bothers me that every time I fail I’m making you and everyone else worry…… to make sure that doesn’t happen again, I’ll try my best to overcome it as soon as possible]

In front of Subaru, who had fallen speechless, a subtle, courageous smile rose on Emilia’s face.

[Emilia: So please stay by my side, and watch over me as I try my best. ――That’s all I ask of you, Subaru]

※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※

[Subaru: ――――hk!!]

Slicing through the wind, straining his legs as he ran, his heart would not stop pounding.

Every perilous footfall sprinting down that slope sent branches cutting painfully across his cheeks, and, tripping countless times, he nevertheless continued frantically running.

[Subaru: ――――!!]

Expelling a soundless shriek, stretching his throat to the point of tearing, he gazed up into the night through the gaps between the obscuring foliage, into the cloudless sky, into the pale, radiant moon amid the shimmering stars, and screamed.

――As if to spew out all the foolish foolishness inside him, and to empty himself of everything.

――Emilia’s last, resolute smile remained seared into the back of his eyes.

That smile, her proclaimed resolve, and his own mistaken conceit. He finally understood that sweltering impulse scorching the insides of his chest.

And because he understood it, he could not bear to stay another second. Instead, after parting from Emilia, Subaru rushed into the forest, running aimlessly like an animal.

Not permitting him to stand still, not allowing him to escape into sleep, that emotion which would burst into flames just at the thought of Emilia―― that emotion was called “Shame”.

Shame dominated Subaru’s entirety, forbidding him to stop.

[Subaru: I……I……!]

Overwhelming idiot. Truly, truly, a hopeless, irredeemable idiot.

When Roswaal disparaged Emilia and called her a “thing”, Subaru had flown into a rage. He bared his teeth, screaming, proclaiming that he would not allow Roswaal to insult her.

But then, when he met Emilia right after, when he told her everything that he wanted to do for her, and was rejected, that was when he realized it:

――The one most guilty of doubting Emilia’s resolve, determination, and strength was Subaru himself.

Thinking that he had to protect her, not wanting her to feel sadness or pain――

With that as his excuse, he had racked his brain trying to keep Emilia from any hardship. Challenging the Trials in her stead, then seeking shortcuts when that failed, and when even that was hopeless―― worst case, if he could just do something about the Great Rabbits responsible for the time-limit on the Sanctuary: All along, Subaru had occupied his mind trying to find a way to solve everything without Emilia having to take the Trials.

But while Subaru was obsessed with this self-satisfied desire to protect her and devising plans to shelter her, Emilia was steeling her resolve and determination in those nights she spent alone, choosing not to flee, but to face the Trials head on.

All she wanted was for Subaru to support her in that resolve.

Yet, it was none other than Natsuki Subaru who dismissed her from the start.

[Subaru: ――――!]

The instant he realized it, that unbearable feeling of shame pounced at Subaru’s head.

Giving Emilia some unconvincing reply when she needed his response, he gave the worried girl a wave and left, practically fleeing. Then, his legs carried him into the forest, where he was now.

In the Capital, it was with the same selfish conceit that Subaru had wounded Emilia.

Paying no mind to Emilia’s considerations or resolve, thinking only of his new-found Authority, Subaru gave her no explanation for his selfish behavior and allowed it to open the rift between them.

It was because that happened, and because he confirmed his feelings for her and how he was going to express it, that Subaru was able to stand here now.

――But he was wrong yet again.

Taking on wounds in Emilia’s place, shouldering the burdens in Emilia’s stead, clearing the path for Emilia’s sake.

Even if he boasted of it to Emilia, he never showed it off to anyone else. At least, it seemed to be an improvement compared to what it was before―― but in reality, nothing had changed at all.

He had just gotten better at hiding his wounds.

He had just muted the arrogant self-aggrandizement flaunting his injuries.

But he was still imposing his selfishness on Emilia, screaming that he was right.

[Subaru: I…… I……gh]

Out of breath and panting as he ran, when he looked up again, a thick branch struck him on the forehead. Bending backwards in pain, he felt his footing fall away into empty space.

Collapsing sideways, tumbling over the dirt and leaf covered surface, Subaru came to lie sprawled out over the ground.

With the frigid soil that would suck all the warmth from his body at his back, drawing ragged breaths, Subaru laid there gazing straight above. Through the gaps between the trees, he could glimpse the night’s sky.

In this world without street lights, in the prickling, clean air, the stars were brilliantly shining. Under the full expanse of that starry sky, surrounded by constellations he did not know, Subaru felt himself dissolve into a vortex of his own smallness, of the uncertainty of his future, of his tangible dread, and of his disheveled emotions.

Struck by a sudden exhaustion, he could no longer keep himself conscious.

This tumultuous time left not only his body weighed down by fatigue, but also his mind, encumbered by the countless travails, steadily drawing him into darkness.

Return by Death. The Witches’ tea party. Roswaal’s intentions. His conceited self, and Emilia, who had resolved to stand up on her own.

Engrossed in those thoughts, just what would Subaru have to――

[???: Hell, y’look like shit]

The first things Subaru sensed as he woke were the skin-piercing cold and the sound of the voice addressing him.

His eyelids shuddered in the frigid sunlight as he grimaced while opening his eyes. Unwittingly looking directly into the sun that was peeking through the trees, his eyes teared up as he tried to right himself,

[Subaru: Gh, aw, hurt……s]

Hearing the sound of his stiff joints creaking, Subaru groaned in pain.

The coldness of the soil and air as he laid on the solid ground had stiffened his body, and every movement of his joints was protested by dull pain.

[???: Not sure what you’re tryin’ to pull here, but sleepin’ in a place without a roof ain’t what I’d recommend. “When there’s a roof n’ a floor, a Gauran gets by” they say]

[Subaru: What’s a Gauran…… ugh, nevermind]

Shaking his head, Subaru looked up at the source of the rowdy voice―― Garfiel, clicking his fangs and looking down at Subaru on the ground.

Just then, Subaru’s sobering consciousness remembered what put him in this situation in the first place.

[Subaru: Ri.. ght…… I fell asleep like this last night……]

[Garfiel: I smelled ya in th’forest on my mornin’ routine and came t’see what’s goin’ on. Layin’ there sprawled out like that, thought someone beat me to it and killed ya overnight]

[Subaru: As the primary suspect, if you didn’t do it, I doubt anyone else would’ve. ……What time is it, anyway?]

Holding his hand to his forehead, Subaru shook his heavy head and asked. At this, Garfiel snorted with a [Hah], and,

[Garfiel: No need t’hurry, it’s still before breakfast time. Aside from th’early-risin’ gramps and grannies, you’n me are th’only ones up]

[Subaru: So no one’s missed me yet, then. ……It’ll be trouble if I don’t get back to the Cathedral befor…… or, right away, actually……]

If Subaru never returned overnight, Otto, who got back before him, might suspect that something was amiss. Even if that wasn’t a problem in itself, Subaru would still prefer to avoid any anxiety spreading among the Arlam refugees. With the mountains of problems as it is, to cause any further discord because of his own indiscretion would be unforgivable.

[Garfiel: ……Yer expression’s different from last night]

[Subaru: Huh?]

Using a nearby tree as support to stand himself up, Subaru gave his neck a turn when he heard Garfiel address him. Looking back, he saw Garfiel violently scratching at his short, golden hair.

[Garfiel: Yesterday I couldn’t tell if yer self-possessed or not, but now it’s like…… yer face looks fuckin’ refreshed or somethin’]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Garfiel: Tch, that ain’t it either. Can’t fuckin’ say it right…… oy, th’fuck you laughin’ at?]

[Subaru: Kh, haha……]

Hearing Garfiel point this out, Subaru touched his hands to his cheeks. Feeling that the corner of his lips had somewhat slackened, a trembling laugh spilled out of the back of his throat.

At first a low, stifled noise, it grew gradually louder.

[Subaru: Hah, hahaha! I look refreshed!? Really, is that what I look like?]

[Garfiel: Yeah, what? Th’hell’s so funny……]

[Subaru: You got it backwards, Garfiel. Just, totally, backwards]

[Garfiel: Hah?]

Pressing back the urge to laugh, Subaru jabbed out his finger toward Garfiel.

And,

[Subaru: I’m not refreshed at all. My insides are creaking and pounding, and honestly, right now, I feel like I could burst apart at any second. Everything I’ve tried to do has been invalidated, everything I’ve struggled for has backfired…… and I seriously don’t know what to do now]

[Garfiel: ――――]

[Subaru: Then, when I realized I was truly stuck, I actually feel like laughing. If everything I tried to do was pointless…… then I’m right back where I started, aren’t I]

Muttering powerlessly, Subaru’s shoulders drooped.

If he had been mistaken from the very start, then every single thought he had since then would be faulty.

With the deadline steadily approaching, only now did he belatedly realize that he had been using the wrong equations. And what’s worse, was that those were the kind of problems that no one could give him the solutions to.

Garfiel scrunched up his nose, not sure what to say to the dejected Subaru. And knowing that Garfiel wouldn’t give him any straight answers even if he asked, all Subaru felt in return was resentment.

And so, an awkward silence fell between them―― until,

[????: ――How about I tell you what you should do?]

[Subaru: ――――!]

Subaru quickly turned to the voice coming from above, but Garfiel didn’t seem the least surprised as he looked towards the same direction, probably because he had already sensed its presence.

On the other end of their gazes, weaving through the gaps between the trees, it was,

[Subaru: ……Otto?]

[Otto: Mhm, good morning. Yep, it’s me]

Accompanied by the sound of twigs snapping under his feet, Otto wore a somewhat counterfeit smile as he approached. While his sudden appearance startled Subaru, Garfiel only clicked his tongue.

[Garfiel: Just sayin’, I only just found him too. Not like I forgot all ‘bout ya t’come chattin’ with him instead]

[Otto: I wasn’t worrying about anything like that. Just glad we found Natsuki-san safe. ――Anyway, mind if I make a request?]

[Garfiel: ……Spit it out]

[Otto: Might I have a minute with Natsuki-san alone? There’s something I’d like to discuss with him]

In front of the still-disoriented Subaru, Otto and Garfiel carried on their exchange with a knowing air between them. Gritting his teeth at Otto’s request, Garfiel glanced over at Subaru,

[Garfiel: Just don’t try anythin’ funny]

And with that, he left them.

Treading over the grass, and out of the forest, Garfiel headed back towards the Sanctuary. Watching him as he left, Subaru wetted his lips with his tongue,

[Subaru: Sounds like you got on Garfiel’s good side somewhere when I wasn’t looking]

[Otto: That’s because I wasn’t just doing nothing while you’re off on your little adventures, Natsuki-san. There’s been a deepening of understanding between the refugees and the people living here, and…… well, none of that really matters right now]

Halfway through candidly answering Subaru’s question, Otto suddenly dismissed the topic with a wave of his hand and then proceeded to lock his gaze onto Subaru. Or rather, it was far too intense to be a gaze. Its intensity was clearly closer to a glare.

[Subaru: Well, what……]

Thoroughly unsettled by that stare, Subaru only managed a weak mumble. Hearing it, Otto let out a small sigh,

[Otto: While it was only bits and pieces, I still heard what you said. Natsuki-san, it sounds like you’re being cornered… by all sorts of things]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Otto: Naturally, I wouldn’t know the details, being kept out of the loop and all. But you must be at your limits, aren’t you? Otherwise we wouldn’t hear you blabbering about “What do I do now”]

[Subaru: So then, what do I do? ……You said you could tell me]

Listening to Otto’s sardonic remarks, Subaru brought up what Otto had said when he first cut into the conversation.

Surely, that was what he said when he broke into the silence between Subaru and Garfiel. Just what could he have meant when he said that?

[Subaru: You said… you could tell me what I should do……]

[Otto: Yeah, I know. It’s very simple really]

[Subaru: Simp……le]

[Otto: You want to know what it is?]

That manner of speaking was really getting on his nerves.

After all he has agonized, winding up in this wretched state, here, what this person was saying was just plain pissing him off.

[Subaru: O-of course I want to know! Quit joking around! If there’s something you know, then……]

[Otto: Alright, then prepare yourself]

[Subaru: P-prepare……?]

[Otto: Yes. First take a long, deep breath……]

Holding out his hands, Otto motioned for Subaru to take a breath. Though he was unsure what Otto was getting at, Subaru nonetheless followed the instruction and adjusted his breathing, closing his eyes and letting his lungs expand――

[Subaru: ――――!?]

The next instant, a sharp impact whacked him across the face, sending him flopping to the ground.

Failing to catch himself as he fell, Subaru dropped face-first into the dirt. Quickly shaking his head, looking around to see what happened, he caught sight of Otto brandishing his fist, and, only then, realized that he had been punched.

There, in front of the breathless Subaru, Otto clenched his reddening fist, and,

[Otto: You should stop putting on airs when you’re in front of your friends, Natsuki Subaru]

-=Chapter 85 End=-