Chapter 93 - I’m Going to Lose My Breath (2)

* * *

“...Doctor!”

The door opened abruptly in front of Jeongmin.

Jeongmin hurriedly hid the tablet he had been looking at behind his back.

“W-what...”

The moment he turned his head, his expression changed completely. Hyeon-yul was slumped over Shinwoo’s back.

“This way.”

Jeongmin guided them toward the bed.

“Stay calm, Doctor.”

Shinwoo tried to steady him. How shocked must he have been?

“I am calm, so tell me what happened.”

Perhaps Hyeon-yul had collapsed before, because Jeongmin was calmer than Shinwoo expected. His hands, however, moved busily.

“During the mission, the villain Hyeon-yul fought said... that he knew him. After that, Hyeon-yul started acting strange.”

“What... did you say?”

Jeongmin’s hands stopped, and he looked at Shinwoo.

“He said he knew Hyeon-yul.”

“Did... part of Hyeon-yul’s body collapse?”

“That’s right!”

“...Ha.”

Jeongmin exhaled and reached out to touch Hyeon-yul’s forehead.

“...Why?”

“It was shock.”

“Shock?”

“You know how people say the mind can forget while the body remembers? His body remembered what happened back then.”

“Is it because of that thing you mentioned before, the drugs burning out the circuits in his brain?”

Shinwoo did not understand it well, but that was what he remembered hearing, so he asked awkwardly.

“That’s right. The shock is too large for what remains of his mind to process. ...To put it simply, think of it like the plug suddenly being pulled out.”

Even small emotions could shake Hyeon-yul severely. So many stimuli came at him that he had become numb because he could not process them all.

In a sense, he had chosen to erase many stimuli and emotions altogether. There was one category he could never fully ignore, though: anything connected to the period when he had been a test subject.

When the incoming feelings became too much to handle, he protected himself by simply lowering the shutters. Hyeon-yul knew that about himself, which was why he focused so much on never being shaken.

‘...So he really isn’t okay.’

Jeongmin sighed when the problem he had been worrying about finally appeared directly in front of him. Hyeon-yul always said he was fine, but he was not.

“Even knowing he obviously wouldn’t be in good shape, he looked much worse than I expected.”

“How did he look?”

“Something was different. He seemed to be muttering too.”

“Did he... take his medicine?”

“I don’t know what kind it was, but he took it twice.”

Jeongmin relaxed a little when he heard that.

What kind of medicine was it supposed to be?

“If it’s all right, may I ask what that medicine is?”

Shinwoo spoke despite knowing the question might be intrusive. If he understood what it was, he could pay more attention in the future.

“Hyeon-yul takes several medicines. What you probably saw is something that helps the damaged circuits operate more smoothly and gently.”

“...So, psychiatric medication?”

Shinwoo still could not quite picture it.

“You could look at it that way. Think of it as putting up support columns so the roof doesn’t collapse. That part of him is weak. So...”

Jeongmin continued explaining, then his eyes suddenly wavered.

‘...Hyeon-yul won’t like this.’

No matter what anyone said, Hyeon-yul absolutely hated being seen as useless.

“So don’t think he’s strange. What happened today was temporary. It was too sudden, that’s all. It’s not so much that there’s something wrong with Hyeon-yul. Anyone can panic when something unexpected happens, right? Just think of it that way.”

The way Jeongmin kept explaining sounded almost like he was making excuses, and it made Shinwoo uncomfortable.

How much had they been judged before for him to react like this?

“Doctor, it’s okay. You can explain it comfortably.”

Jeongmin fell silent for a moment. Then he pressed his lips together tightly before slowly speaking again.

“He doesn’t... look strange to you?”

“He doesn’t. I mean that.”

“I don’t want my explanation to become the standard you use to judge Hyeon-yul. Just keep that in mind. I can’t explain everything. It’s... complicated.”

“Maybe because it feels like being erased from the world?”

At Shinwoo’s words, Jeongmin looked at him in surprise, like he had heard something unfamiliar.

“Hyeon-yul is an incredible rookie. He’s our teammate too. I trust our team leader, and I trust Hyeon-yul.”

‘Really?’

Jeongmin looked at him cautiously, and Shinwoo smiled.

“I understand what happened today. Of course someone would be shaken after waiting so long. I’m still waiting too, hoping I can someday take my younger brother somewhere peaceful.”

Shinwoo fidgeted with his hands. He did not understand everything, but there was one thing he did understand.

Hyeon-yul and Jeongmin looked as though they had been abandoned by the world for a very, very long time.

“I don’t think what happened today was strange. I’m just worried about Hyeon-yul.”

Shinwoo reassured Jeongmin, but a faint wariness still remained inside him.

“Hyeon-yul is okay, right?”

“He’s okay. Like I said, the system simply shut itself down because the sudden information was too difficult to process.”

“Then I’ll stop worrying and step outside.”

Shinwoo smiled as he backed away.

“Shinwoo.”

“Yes, Doctor?”

“...I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

“Oh, Doctor, you don’t have to say that. I’m really fine. I’m not that narrow-minded. My heart is huge, you know?”

Shinwoo proudly thumped his own chest, but Jeongmin’s expression was still full of apology.

He really was a good person.

“If you feel that sorry, buy me a meal sometime. How about that?”

“That sounds good.”

“Hyeon-yul too.”

“...Yeah. If we can, we should.”

When Jeongmin answered weakly, Shinwoo finally laughed loudly.

“I’ll explain everything to the team leader, so don’t worry.”

Shinwoo bowed his head politely before stepping away.

“Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. Call me when he wakes up. I’ll come running.”

Shinwoo grinned broadly while Jeongmin waved him off.

‘He’s really personable. It would be nice if Hyeon-yul were more like that.’

Holding onto that small wish, Jeongmin connected an IV first. He stared at Hyeon-yul for a while, then gently patted his arm.

‘You went through a lot.’

Just imagining what Hyeon-yul must be feeling made Jeongmin’s chest ache. Wasn’t it heartbreaking enough that Hyeon-yul could not even properly accept his own emotions?

People should be sad when something is sad, happy when something is joyful, and angry when something deserves anger.

All of that was terribly difficult for Hyeon-yul.

* * *

“...How is Hyeon-yul?”

The moment Shinwoo returned, Haeryeon asked urgently. She looked so rattled that she even forgot to use honorifics.

“Doctor Jeongmin says he’s okay. The shock was too large, so it was like his system automatically shut down.”

Even while answering, Shinwoo did not look especially relieved. If the shock had been enough to make Hyeon-yul collapse, how enormous must it have been?

“Hyeon-yul hyung’s arm really is okay, right?”

Jihwan asked, still visibly shaken. Only then did Shinwoo laugh.

“I told you, that wasn’t Hyeon-yul’s arm.”

Shinwoo was about to sit down when he stopped.

“...Did you cry?”

The corners of Nayun’s eyes were red.

“I didn’t cry.”

“...Sure.”

“I was upset, okay? Upset! I saw it happen and couldn’t stop it! I should’ve just run in! Why was I still... staying at my post like that mattered more?”

Nayun could not finish. Her eyes grew wet again.

For a moment, she had thought they were going to lose another teammate.

“I... was late. I’m sorry.”

After Shinwoo apologized, Jihwan lowered his head slightly.

“No. I was the one who was late.”

He pressed one thumb hard with the fingers of his other hand.

“If I hadn’t blanked out, Shinwoo hyung wouldn’t have been delayed.”

“Enough, Jihwan. I was the one who was late.”

“No. It was me! I could’ve just fired, but I hesitated. Even then, I was thinking about the mission. I’m the crazy one. I’m the one who...”

Nayun bit down hard on her lower lip.

“Nayun, stop. You’ll hurt your lip.”

Haeryeon stopped her, then looked at the others as well.

“Shinwoo and Jihwan, you two stop too. What happened today was an unexpected variable. Hyeon-yul couldn’t predict it, and neither could we.”

That was the only reasonable way to look at it. Blaming themselves would change nothing.

If anything, it was fortunate they discovered the problem now. Imagining the same thing happening during an even larger crisis already made Haeryeon feel dizzy.

“Team Leader.”

“Yes?”

When Shinwoo called, Haeryeon looked at him.

“About Hyeon-yul.”

Shinwoo hesitated. Haeryeon waited, handing Nayun a tissue while he gathered his thoughts.

“I think he’s much more obsessed with completing missions than I realized.”

Shinwoo had thought that could be harmless. Plenty of people were ambitious about their work.

“And I think he’s been abandoned... far more times than I ever imagined.”

It was only Shinwoo’s impression, so he spoke carefully.

“...Calling it abandonment makes me feel like I’m being unfair to Hyeon-yul, but I don’t know what other word fits.”

He had been ground down again and again. Even that phrasing felt too weak to describe Hyeon-yul.

“I’ve been thinking the same thing, and I’ve been watching him with that in mind.”

Haeryeon gave Shinwoo a soft, reassuring smile.

“You’re only figuring that out now?”

Nayun looked at Shinwoo with disbelief. She had assumed everyone already knew.

‘Baek Shinwoo really is like this sometimes.’

Nayun dabbed at the corners of her eyes with the tissue.

“...What?”

“I’m sorry to make the mood even... heavier, but Hyeon-yul hyung doesn’t seem to have much time left.”

Jihwan hesitated for several moments before continuing to speak.

“...What?”

Shinwoo’s eyes looked ready to pop out of his head.

“It’s true. Doctor Jeongmin told me.”

Haeryeon confirmed it. She had been told that Hyeon-yul’s lifespan would inevitably be short.

Shinwoo’s expression darkened immediately at the confirmation.

“I don’t know what all of you think, but when I asked Hyeon-yul to join our team, I decided from the beginning that I would carry all of that with him.”

He had many advantages and many disadvantages. But wasn’t that true of everyone?

“We needed him on our team, and I believed he was someone Black Eagle needed. I have no intention of sending Hyeon-yul back to the villains.”

“Neither do I. I did question the villain background at first, but even then, and now, I trusted you. It’s also been kind of fun slowly understanding why you chose Hyeon-yul.”

Nayun’s lips curved into a broad smile. Hyeon-yul had filled in so many gaps in their team.

So it was only right that they filled in the parts Hyeon-yul lacked.

“Of course. Hyeon-yul hyung must have gone through so much there. I make plenty of mistakes too, so how would it make sense to hate him over something like this?”

Jihwan clenched his fist solemnly and placed it on the desk. If anything, he probably had more flaws than Hyeon-yul.

“Even if he tried to leave, I’d stop him. I’m a little annoyed that none of you shared what you were thinking and left me feeling alone, but I’m glad to confirm we all feel the same way.”

Shinwoo raised a hand with a mildly resentful expression. They should have shared this information instead of keeping it to themselves.

“I don’t think only Hyeon-yul is special. Every one of you is special to me. So let’s work through these things one at a time.”

Haeryeon smiled happily at everything they had said.

* * *

Hyeon-yul opened his eyes. The ceiling above him was familiar.

“...Did I collapse?”

“Are you okay?”

Jeongmin came rushing over to the bedside immediately.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

Hyeon-yul raised his hand, clenched it into a fist, then opened it again. It worked properly.

As far as Hyeon-yul was concerned, that meant he was fine.

“Doctor. The shock must have been larger than I expected.”

He did not know how else to describe it. Hyeon-yul turned his head toward Jeongmin.

Perhaps Jeongmin would show the emotion Hyeon-yul could not identify in himself.

“Of course it was huge. What are you even asking?”

“Too many difficult emotions came at once. I had trouble understanding them and trouble accepting them.”

“...That man who said he knew you. Is he dead?”

“Yes. I killed him without knowing anything. I should have cut more shallowly. That was my mistake.”

Hyeon-yul calmly acknowledged the mistake. The emotions that had flooded him before he collapsed were gone now.

“How much longer do I need this?”

Hyeon-yul pointed at the IV. He had made a mistake during the mission, and that was his responsibility too.

He needed to explain himself at least.

“It’s fine.”

“What’s fine?”

“Team Leader Haeryeon told me you should finish the IV and go home afterward.”

“...Go home? Or have I been fired?”

Hyeon-yul asked cautiously. Collapsing during a mission was serious enough that someone might die because of it.

“You’re going home.”

“Really?”

Hyeon-yul asked again, unable to hide his surprise.

“Hyeon-yul.”

“Yes.”

“They’re not going to throw you out.”

Jeongmin smiled gently as he reassured Hyeon-yul again.

“You don’t know that. I can’t be fired. I cannot be fired.”

Maybe it would have been different if he had never known these benefits existed, but now that he had experienced them, he could not go back to his old life.

Hyeon-yul believed that anyone would have felt the same way.

Hyeon-yul tightened both hands around the edge of the blanket.

“Hyeon-yul, try living while breathing a little. Keeping your guard raised like that all the time will lead to overwork too. You said you hated living that kind of life.”

“I did say that. ...But Doctor.”

“Yes, Hyeon-yul.”

“I told them. I said that man knew who I was in the past.”

“You said that?”

“Yes.”

“You did...?”

“I said it. Even if I wasn’t in a normal state, I shouldn’t have. I thought it could explain why I lost control, but losing control itself was already the problem. Saying it out loud only exposed one of my weaknesses.”

When he had tried to become a Black Eagle, Hyeon-yul had believed he needed more than simply being a former villain to make them accept him.

The fact that he had been a test subject could do that. He had wanted them to pity him, or at least be shaken enough to reconsider him.

That had never felt like a weakness because it had served a purpose.

This time, however, the circumstances felt completely different to Hyeon-yul.

“Why... did I do that?”

Hyeon-yul was genuinely confused. It was unlike him.

“I know that being useless means death. So why did I say something like that? Why did I expose a weakness?”

No matter how many times he reconsidered it, he could not understand. There was no practical relationship between Black Eagle and Hyeon-yul’s past.

From Hyeon-yul’s perspective, the entire action had been inefficient.

Hyeon-yul waited for Jeongmin’s answer, but Jeongmin suddenly laughed instead.

‘Why?’

“Why are you laughing?”

“Give me a moment, Hyeon-yul.”

“Yes.”

Hyeon-yul waited obediently. Jeongmin picked up his phone and called someone.

“Yes, Team Leader. Hyeon-yul is awake.”

The moment Hyeon-yul realized he was speaking to Haeryeon, he sat upright.

“...Why are you calling the team leader?”

“Because I think that’s the only way you’ll relax.”

“I think that action is actually quite far removed from the concept of reassurance.”

“You changed.”

“What?”

“You changed, Hyeon-yul. From where I’m standing, I think it’s a good change.”

“I haven’t changed at all.”

“Sure. That can happen.”

Jeongmin nodded as though he understood enough.

“Doctor. If you say it like that, I don’t understand. What exactly changed?”

“To someone else it might look small, but to me it’s a lot.”

Jeongmin could see that Hyeon-yul was beginning to accept his teammates. He was doing things he had never done with anyone except Jeongmin.

Maybe Hyeon-yul would recognize it himself someday, even if not now.

Hyeon-yul turned his head. Jeongmin had only just called, so how could anyone arrive this quickly?

The door suddenly flew open with enough force to startle him.

“Are you really okay, Hyeon-yul?”

Haeryeon hurried over and checked him immediately.

“...Ah, I’m sorry. I was in such a hurry that I forgot my manners.”

She quickly apologized to Jeongmin for barging in.

“It happens.”

Jeongmin smiled warmly and raised one hand slightly toward Hyeon-yul.

“As you can see, Hyeon-yul is fine.”

“He looks, um... Are you sure he’s fine?”

Hyeon-yul’s expression did not look good, so Haeryeon quietly asked Jeongmin again.

“Team Leader. This mission failed because of my inexperience, so...”

Rapid footsteps thundered loudly from somewhere outside the room.

“You, you’re okay?”

Nayun’s voice followed, and Hyeon-yul tilted his head.

Hyeon-yul could not understand why she had come here.

More panting and hurried footsteps rapidly approached the room.

“You...! Rest! Got it?”

Shinwoo spoke while gasping for breath.

“That’s right. Like Shinwoo said, take tomorrow off, Hyeon-yul. You worked incredibly hard today. Thanks to you, we rescued the White Sparrows. They all asked us to tell you thank you too.”

“...What?”

Hyeon-yul could not understand Haeryeon’s words.

The phrases “you worked hard” and “thank you” both felt completely unfamiliar to him.

Jeongmin was grinning, but Hyeon-yul did not even notice.

Not a single person in the room was scolding him.

What was he supposed to call this?

“Why... haven’t any of you gone home?”

That was all he managed to say. Anything beyond that felt too difficult.

Laughter suddenly burst out around him.

“We were waiting for you to wa...”

“We w-were waiting for you to wake up!”

Jihwan clung to the doorframe and barely managed to shout. Then he dropped into a crouch and panted heavily.

It felt like he had run faster than ever before in his life.

“...He really was the leader.”

Jihwan grinned broadly despite still struggling to catch his breath.

“You did something huge, Hyeon-yul hyung!”

Hyeon-yul stared at them in silence. The scene was unlike anything he had ever seen in his life, and he had no words for it.

For some reason, it almost felt as if sunlight were pouring into the room.

Hyeon-yul blinked, then quietly took out his medicine.

‘Am I... hallucinating?’