Chapter 36 - Realization - 2

FSSSH.

"Ah..."

The divine energy hovering above Renée’s hand scattered. The low groan that followed was full of disappointment.

Embarrassed that her concentration had slipped so quickly and caused her sacred art to fail, she spoke to Terisa.

"I’m sorry. I’m having an especially hard time today..."

"What is there to apologize for? No one will scold you for failing today, so put your mind at ease."

Terisa chuckled as she spoke, then studied Renée’s face.

More precisely, she studied the emotions rising from her.

A very deep pink.

‘How is it that with each passing day...’

It was growing deeper. The feeling that had seemed merely fresh and innocent at first was gradually turning into something more.

Terisa had some idea why this was happening. Having spent her entire life peeking into other people’s emotions, she could hardly fail to understand.

‘... She’s turning away from it.’

She was denying her own feelings. No, it would be more accurate to say she had not recognized them.

Terisa did not know everything about Renée, but the girl she had observed over the past two weeks was still so inexperienced that calling it denial was not quite right.

Terisa’s eyes narrowed.

She generally remained a bystander, believing it wrong to interfere in other people’s relationships. Even so, it was difficult to watch someone so close to her struggling like this—especially someone she ought to cherish and nurture.

‘Hmm...’

She pondered the matter further.

She wanted to help. Yet whenever she faced a situation like this, deciding how to broach it was difficult.

It would be wrong to identify the emotion for her outright. Defining a feeling was a task for the person who felt it.

What she ought to do—what she could do as an elder to ease Renée’s heart even a little—was...

‘... That’s it.’

Point her in the right direction.

Having settled on what seemed a rather good approach, Terisa smiled and addressed Renée.

"Saintess."

"Oh, yes."

"Is something troubling you, perhaps?"

Renée’s fingertips twitched at the question.

"Um..."

Something troubling her? Of course there was. It had kept her mind in turmoil all day. Her thoughts kept going in just one direction.

Should she tell her? Was that the right thing to do? This was her own problem, after all. Was it right to pour it out to someone else?

Her hesitation stemmed from her long-held belief that she ought to handle her own affairs and strive to do so.

Naturally, such hesitation could be frustrating for the other person.

Fortunately, Terisa was not so impatient that she would grow frustrated and press Renée.

How could she fail to understand such a reaction?

With her divine powers, her many years of life, and her position as an academy professor, Terisa knew very well how unsettled children of that age could be.

Terisa laid her hand over Renée’s and spoke in a gentle, soothing tone.

"There is such a thing as an old woman’s intuition. You certainly seem troubled, Saintess, so I thought this old woman might be able to help."

Renée flinched, her fingertips trembling. After another little groan of indecision, she cautiously parted her lips.

"Th-then, would it be all right if I asked for a little help?"

"As much as you like."

Permission granted.

Renée nodded and tried to pour out her thoughts, only to feel the words abruptly catch in her throat.

How was she supposed to explain this? That question was what stopped her.

Once again, she hesitated.

What exactly was happening to her? How could she explain it and ask for advice?

Trying to think it through left her mind feeling like a complete mess.

No matter how hard she thought, she could not find the right words.

Watching Renée move her lips and furrow her brow, Terisa thought, ‘What an innocent age this is,’ and spoke.

"Hmm... May I take a guess?"

"Hm? Oh, yes!"

"Does your chest suddenly tighten from time to time? Whether you are daydreaming, doing something else, eating, or lying down to sleep, your chest tightens for no apparent reason."

"Yes! That’s right!"

Renée’s shoulders jerked. How had she pinpointed it at once when Renée had not even told her? Even as surprise spread across her face, Terisa continued.

"Sometimes it may feel as though a ball of fire has settled inside you. For some reason, the same image keeps appearing in your mind, and at times, all sorts of absurd imaginings fill your head."

"That! That’s exactly it! It’s been making me so restless lately..."

Renée nodded vigorously, a broad smile spreading across her face at Terisa’s words.

What a lively reaction. Terisa chuckled, and Renée, feeling as though a blockage inside her had suddenly cleared, asked another question.

"Wow, how did you know all that right away? I hadn’t even told you..."

"That is what experience does. And I teach children your age, do I not?"

"Oh..."

Only then did Renée remember that Terisa was currently assigned to Telon Academy, and she nodded.

"Those are the sorts of worries children have at an age so full of dreams. They are still inexperienced, with so much that is unfamiliar, and do not know themselves well. Often, they cannot identify the feelings that arise in them. So I quite understand why you feel this way, Saintess."

"H-how embarrassing..."

Her head drooped in chagrin.

As she lowered it, Renée suddenly heaved a deep sigh and continued.

"It’s been especially bad lately. I wondered if something was wrong with my body, or if it was because I’d moved somewhere new. I even had the priests examine me because of those thoughts, but they said there was nothing wrong."

Now that she felt at ease, words bordering on complaints came pouring out.

The thought that Terisa might know how to resolve this unsettled state made Renée spill everything without even feeling embarrassed.

Terisa nodded as she listened to Renée’s complaints, then answered with a gentle smile.

"Mm, I understand. It is not uncommon for my students to suffer from those symptoms, either."

"Really?"

"Indeed. Some of them have come to me for advice."

Renée swallowed as she listened, then added another question.

"Then why am I like this?"

Why was her body behaving this way? In response to that question, Terisa spoke in a slightly teasing tone.

"I believe that is something you must discover for yourself, Saintess."

"What?"

"They are your feelings, are they not? Whatever definition I offer, I cannot be certain it is precisely the right answer for you. That makes me a little cautious."

Everything had been going so well, only for Terisa to suddenly evade the answer. Renée’s expression grew a little sulky.

Terisa chuckled and continued.

"If I were to offer a hint, is there perhaps something that comes to mind whenever you feel that way?"

"Something that comes to mind?"

"It could be anything. An object, a place, or perhaps..."

She paused briefly.

Seeing Renée gradually lean forward, Terisa grinned and finished.

"... A person."

Renée’s whole body jolted.

Her face began to fill with flustered embarrassment.

Something that came to mind. Someone who came to mind.

"There is a saying, is there not? To find the cause of a problem, you must find the common denominator among its symptoms. In my judgment, the ‘something’ you are thinking of now may be what is making you feel unsettled."

Bera.

At those words, that two-syllable name sprang instantly to Renée’s mind.

Her heart began to pound heavily, beat after beat.

The reaction that had been tormenting her all this time had begun again.

It was only a name, yet the moment she thought of it, this happened.

Her face began to turn redder than ever. Her body kept twitching, unable to stay still.

Flustered once more by these reactions, Renée clenched her fists and stammered.

"W-well... there is something, but..."

She could not finish.

Renée simply did not have the courage to say, "I feel strange inside whenever I think of Bera."

Watching Renée fidget, Terisa felt delight well up within her and continued.

"What you must do next is... Yes. Once you have identified the cause, you must consider why it makes you feel so strange."

"Why..."

"The students I have seen offered all sorts of reasons. Some called it curiosity, others admiration, and there were even those who called it displeasure."

As Terisa continued, Renée pressed her lips together, pondering that question of why.

"But there is something surprising."

"Something surprising?"

"The answers those troubled children eventually reach all take a similar form."

"What is that answer?"

The question burst out as though urging her on.

Terisa watched Renée ask with both impatience and tension written on her face, then chuckled and continued.

"I will not tell you the answer. I believe anything beyond this is something you must realize for yourself."

"But that’s...!"

That was unfair. At least, that was how Renée felt.

Hadn’t Terisa acted as though she would solve her problem, only to leave her even more curious?

Growing still sulkier at the thought, Renée muttered,

"Then at least give me a hint..."

At that moment, her inability to see felt particularly inconvenient.

Since she could not tell what expression Terisa wore, she had to judge by her tone—and that tone sounded altogether too knowing.

As Renée swallowed nervously again and again, Terisa spoke.

"Hmm... Very well. Then I shall give you a riddle."

"A riddle?"

"Yes. I do not know whether its answer will be one you can accept, Saintess, but in my judgment, your answer will probably resemble the answer to this riddle."

Terisa paused to steady her breathing before continuing.

"It is the emotion with the most faces in the world. A hundred people will envision a hundred different forms of it. It makes the world’s bravest general a coward, and turns the most treacherous courtier into a faithful servant."

Renée tilted her head.

"The people toward whom it is directed are just as varied. Sometimes a friend, sometimes an enemy, and sometimes even a complete stranger you have just met. It cares little for the person or the circumstances, and it blends with any other emotion. That makes it easy to mistake for something else."

Terisa chuckled at Renée’s utterly puzzled expression.

"It is an exceedingly proud emotion, yet also the most abject. It arrives without any reason, then makes you tack on reason after reason for it afterward."

Having said that, Terisa asked in a voice full of amusement,

"Now, that is the riddle. Mm, our next lesson is in three days. May I hear your answer then?"

"Oh, I’ll try!"

Renée, who had been listening in a daze, started and nodded. Immediately after answering, she belatedly regretted it.

A sinking sense of having made a mistake began to fill her.

She had no idea what any of it meant.

She had answered confidently, but she had no confidence at all.

Her head sank low, her eyes squeezing shut.

Terisa’s riddle was far too difficult a puzzle for Renée.